Catrin asks:

Hi Lucy,

A few weeks ago my husband found a vibrator that I had purchased a few weeks before. He went nuts!! He said I was sneaky the way I purchased it, (my friend ordered it online). The thing is I had one when we met. Then when we moved in together, I think it just got lost in the move. He bought me one, which we sometimes used together and that broke. I then bought one as he is often tired, sleeps in the spare room a lot as he has trouble sleeping etc. When he found it he just went nuts! I hate confrontation, so I just tried to brush it off. In the end, I threw it out because I though it wasn’t worth the hassle! Now I'm desperate, I don’t find sex satisfying with him and that was my release!! I'm so horny it’s unreal! :-( What should I do.

 

Hi Catrin,

If he knew you had a vibrator when you moved in and he bought one for you when you first got your house together, it doesn't sound the issue is with you having a sex toy.

He may suspect that you are not satisfied and it won't have gone unnoticed that your sex life is less active than it once was. Where a vibrator might have been something you both used together- now he may see it as his replacement. He may be worried that if you ordered it through your friend- you were trying to keep something from him.

If you are not satisfied in bed, then perhaps its time to address this and suggest some new things you can do to spice things up or praise him for what he does well and encourage him when he's not hitting the spot.

If you struggle to get your sex life back on track on your own then I would suggest seeing a sex counsellor at somewhere like Relate. Having an impartial person there might just help you to communicate better with one another about what you both want, what you miss and how you can improve your sex life.

Sleeping in separate beds won't help your cause- have you considered other options so you can sleep together again? A new mattress? Earlier bed times? Ear plugs? Herbal remedies? Black out blinds? New sheets?

If you can find a way to sleep next to one another again, then sleeping alone won't become the norm for you both.

The bottom line is you haven't cheated here; you have tried to make the best of the situation; however it still may feel like a betrayal if he is sensitive about your sex life.

If you are missing your sex life, chances are he is too, so finding time to talk about it should help to get to the bottom of why it's less of a priority in your relationship now.

Why is he so tired? Is he using digital devices before bed? Eating too late? Exercising late in the day? There could be many reasons why his sleep patterns are disturbed. Perhaps you could explore these with him and see if there are any changes that can be made in order to help him get more rest. Then he may have more energy and enthusiasm for your intimate life.


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